I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
