I didn't shave. On purpose
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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