i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
