My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
