I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
