Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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