My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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