She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
