Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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