you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
