I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
