My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
