my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
