she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
