a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
