It's like God shit irony all over that family
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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