....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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