remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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