the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
