rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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