you're like a bully in the Christmas story
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
