I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
