Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The air was thick with penises
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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