I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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