I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
