Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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