Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
