tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
