I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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