when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I met the friendliest cop last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
