I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
