I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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