I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
