I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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