But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
