watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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