i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
