The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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