; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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