She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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