Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
