So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
