So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
