I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
