The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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