You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
