I cockslap morals
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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