if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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