There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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