i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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