at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
