I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
