Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
