he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
