if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
