I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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