I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
