Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
