i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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