If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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