Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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